Tuesday, 27 May 2014

It's not the end of the world!

While this was a time that I would like to forget in my life I feel like my experience could help others going through a similar situation in their lives.  There was a time that I had met what I thought then was the man of my dreams.  He was cute with a smile that could make you melt, he was smart and not boring; sometimes smart guys have no personality but he was not at all like that, he was extremely funny which when combined with brains can be the sexiest thing in the world!  The love that he showed for his family and the loyalty he had for his friends showed me that he was not the type of guy who would hurt me intentionally.  He was attentive, sometimes a guy can be all that but only care about himself and what was happening in his life.  He was a gentleman, paying for lunches, refraining from cursing in front of me and most importantly showing me respect as a woman and a human being.

We had been dating for a while but towards the end of that relationship was a period of time when I was separated from my son for six months.  I had gone from having my constant companion at home, work and wherever I went to my first ever time living alone, completely alone.  While I did have family and friends around there is a void that can’t be filled when a mass of ocean separates you from your child.  Added to this void was the fact that some of my relationships with my close family members in country were strained.  I was in a constant battle over finances which made work a hard place to be.  In my mind, the only thing that I had going right in my life at the time was my “dream guy”.

While I want to share my story there are some things which I would still like to keep personal, so events happened and “dream guy” broke up with me.  I was completely devastated.  I literally cried every day for at least a month.  I barely slept for a full week which is when I turned to exercise to wear me down enough so that my body was so exhausted it had to sleep.  I ate maybe once a day, which is crazy because if you know me well enough you know I love my food and am constantly snacking on something.  Needless to say with all the exercise and not eating I lost a lot of weight, which I unfortunately have put back on but that is another blog altogether.  I honestly felt what it was like to be crazy in love because at the time I felt like I was going insane because I loved him that much.

You would think that having gone through a divorce, a failed five year relationship and a broken engagement that I would be accustomed to break ups and getting on with life but for some reason this time was different.  The other times I had my son there with me to remind me that life is more than a guy, and I had the support of family if I was down.  This time I had my two best friends, but it wasn’t the same I am very independent and felt like my problems were a burden to them who were also going through their own life problems so I did not seek the support from them that they were more than willing to give.

One night I held a bottle of pills in my hand ready to take a few to help me go to sleep as the walking hadn’t helped that day.  As I overturned the bottle to take out a few tablets half the bottle spilled into my hand.  I lifted them to my mouth and thought heck why not, my son is with my family who can take better care of him than I could ever do and no one else will even notice so why not just take all these pills and make the pain that was killing me just end.  I put the handful of pills in my mouth and my son’s smiling face flashed before my eyes and I could hear his laughter and my favorite phrase in the whole entire world “I love you mum”.  I spat the pills out and threw the bottle in the rubbish.

This was not the only occasion that I thought of ending my life as a result of my break up, but each time it was my clarity of thought and the knowledge that I had someone in my life who loved me regardless of any mistakes that I may make and whose life would have been hugely impacted by my actions.  Each time I faced this choice the ability to think clearly and not having my judgment clouded by alcohol or drugs made it that much easier to make the right choice not just for me but for my son and the people who loved and cared for me, even if at the time I felt like I had no one.

So my lessons that I have learnt from this experience is that there is always another guy or another girl, hello I am a 30 something single parent who has been divorced and has had way to many failed relationships and yet there are still guys who are interested in me!  Breaking up with the person you think is the one just means that you are now open to find the next one, it may take time but it will happen and I know this because if it can happen for me it can happen for you.

This is not just something that happens to people who are not educated, poor or facing mental problems.  I have two degrees, I am not stupid but that doesn’t mean I can’t make stupid choices.  I am not rich but am also not living below the poverty line.  While I may act crazy and am a little on the weird side psychologists have actually found me sane so I also don’t have mental problems.  My point is that this can happen to anyone whether you are male or female, rich or poor so don’t think that you are the exception.

I have also learnt that what I do in my life affects the people around me no matter how many times you try to tell yourself that no one cares or no one will notice.  It may have made your pain end but caused so much pain for others in the process.  It does hurt, but it goes away with time.  Again I have experienced a divorce and multiple broken relationships life does go on and the pain goes away, trust me.

Give yourself time to grieve.  You just lost a big part of your life and you need to deal with your emotions and all the feelings that are racing around in your mind.  How you deal with that is up to you whether you eat, run, laugh or cry just let it out.  I know that many people turn to alcohol and drugs and I have been there and done that but I also found these substances cloud my mind and stop me from thinking clearly.  So if you do go on a binge drink don’t do it alone and don’t make any decisions during that time.

Be grateful.  I know you are thinking what is there to be thankful for I just lost the love of my life what else do I have?  Be grateful for the beauty all around you.  Be grateful for the food you have to eat.  Be grateful that you have legs to walk with.  Be grateful you have a house to live in.  Be grateful you have clothes to wear.  Be grateful you have air to breathe.  Everyone has something to be grateful for whether it be big or small and by being thankful for these you tend to forget that guy you used to kiss.

Last but not least, talk to someone, anyone.  You may think that you are a burden but your friends, family even strangers would rather take time out of their lives to help you to deal with what you are going through and know that they were able to help someone in need.  Many of us think that people don’t care, I believe that everyone cares but not everyone is given the opportunity to show kindness to others.  Let people help you.

This is not the end of the world, don’t let this one life experience dictate your future.  Chances are you will have your heart broken more than once, but you only get to live one life, don’t throw that precious gift away.